Tuesday, April 1, 2008

A letter in honor of NaBloPoMo

Dear LuLu*,
It is not all about you. Insisting repeatedly that it is all about you does not make it so. Your behavior would be understandable, if not excusable, in someone one quarter your age. You'd be known as a Mean Girl, and we could hope you'd mature and improve with age. Someone twice your age behaving as you do would be a Hateful Old Woman, and we could just cluck and limit our visits to your nursing home. Any woman between those ages who acts like you do is just a bitch.
Just a few points I'd like to discuss with you:
  1. It is not classy to pitch a fit when people don't make enough of a fuss over your new shoes/handbag/accessories.
  2. It pisses people off when you refuse to spend $9 to see a movie and then purchase yet another $400 purse.
  3. It pisses them off even more when you act snotty because they went to the movie without you.
  4. Every outing does not have to include you.
  5. Your acquaintances do not enjoy being told every time you see them, "You should wear lip gloss. It covers a multitude of sins."
  6. Ditto for, "Where are your accessories?"
  7. When you criticize the weight/clothing/shoes/makeup/hair of every stranger who passes by, it just makes YOU look bad.
  8. The husbands/teenage sons of your friends are not required to be at your beck and call.
  9. Stop complaining to mutual friends that I never call you. The phone works both ways.
  10. If I had wanted to talk to you, I would have called.
  11. If you call a friend to go shopping with you and she tells you she is intestinally indisposed and doesn't feel like going, it may be considered selfish to reply, "There's a bathroom at the mall."
  12. Stop asking if my husband has any colleagues who are single. I would not unleash your high-maintenance self on anyone I considered worthy of dating.
  13. Your spoiled teenage daughter is going to turn out just. like. you.
  14. She lied to you about returning my call about babysitting. She never did.
  15. If your "friends" always desert you, at some point you should probably think, "Maybe it's me."
  16. It's you.


*Name changed to protect me from crazy lady wrath

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